Waiting…

Sometimes I feel like all I do is wait.

I waited until the right time to start trying for a baby. Then waited each month to see if our trying worked. And then, each time it did, waited to see if it would last. And when it didn’t last, had to wait to try again.

When we got referred to the fertility specialists, we had to wait two months for that appointment. Then wait for tests, and then for test results.

And now, we’re waiting again. It’s been 14 months since my last (failed) pregnancy.

That’s the hardest part about trying to conceive (TTC), you have to wait for it to happen. You can’t make it happen. Sure, you can try as much as you like, and some people get really lucky and it works the first month, or even in the first few months. Many of us are not that lucky. And many, like me, are incredibly unlucky. We have no official diagnosis. All the tests came back with no identifiable problems. I’m just not getting pregnant. And oh gosh, that’s exhausting.

That’s the thing with waiting. No matter what you’re waiting for, the longer you wait the more you start to go stir crazy. It starts to feel, often legitimately, like everyone in your life is getting that thing you’ve been waiting for — be it a baby, a dog, a new job, a house. Meanwhile, you’re still waiting.

When you’re been trying to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term for as many years as I have, you start to get really tired of the waiting. Waiting is hard! It takes over your life, and is never far from your thoughts. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting.

If you’re waiting too, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Dear mama, you will hold your baby one day. I have to believe that for both of us. Our hope can’t be taken from us. We just got the short stick and have to wait for everyone else in the draw to go first.

If you know someone who is waiting, be kind to them. You might not understand what they’re going through, and you might not have many details, but love them and give them grace. Waiting can be overwhelming, and they’re doing their best.

Waiting, so much waiting. TTC After Pregnancy Loss // Image: a woman holding a coffee cup

Photo by Daiga Ellaby on Unsplash

Leave a Reply