We all have significant dates in our lives. Things like birthdays and anniversaries.
For those of us who have lost family members or friends, we also have death days embedded in our memories of when that person was taken from us.
Some days are harder than others after pregnancy loss, and those days show up every year.
I have three due dates in my heart that come and go each year.
I have three death days too, two miscarriages and one that also doubles as a birthday.
We’ve chosen to call the day Hudson was stillborn his birthday and marked it this year with a new tradition of getting cupcakes in memory of him. His due date, November 9, is still special to me too, though. It’s the day I’d thought, after two years of trying and one loss, that I would finally become the mother of a living child. I was so excited for it. And last year, three months after he was born, it arrived and was a really hard day because it was so different from what I’d hoped it would be.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to say in this blog post. I really just wanted to commemorate Hudson’s due date somehow. And to talk about something that people often don’t talk about.
Just because a pregnancy didn’t make it to its due date, that doesn’t mean the due date isn’t still a significant day to the person who was pregnant.
Dates like expected due dates and the anniversaries of pregnancy losses can be really difficult days for some of us. They are days of tears. And that’s okay. The anniversary of the death of a loved one is allowed to be a hard day. The loss of a wanted pregnancy is the same thing. No matter how early or how late a pregnancy is lost, to a parent who yearned for that child, the loss is the death of a loved one.
If there’s someone in your life who has had the unfortunate luck to be in a situation like mine, with pregnancy loss dates and empty due dates, please allow them to grieve in whatever way they need to – especially on those days. If you know when those days are, send them a note or a text message that you’re thinking of them. Little things like that make a huge difference, especially on those dark days. They are lights in the darkness, beacons that there is still good in the world on a day that seems to be full of only darkness. And, as much as you might want to know details of when they’re going to try again, allow them to bring their journey into the conversation if and when they feel like it.