If you’ve experienced pregnancy loss, you’re probably feeling a lot of emotions. A LOT. And you have been for a while. And, surprise, surprise you will continue to feel a lot of feelings for a long time.
I’ve experienced miscarriage.
I’ve experienced stillbirth.
I’ve felt it all.
I get it.
Pregnancy loss sucks.
The feelings that come with pregnancy and loss are a freaking rollercoaster. There’s the joy of seeing those two little lines. There’s the excitement of dreaming about who that little person is going to turn into and what they’ll be like. There’s the fear that you might not get to meet them. There’s the pain when the pregnancy ends. There’s the grief that follows.
And then, there’s the feeling that a lot of people ignore: the anger.
When your baby dies, it’s okay to be angry.
What has happened to you IS NOT FAIR. It’s cruel. And it sucks so freaking much.
On Sunday at my church, there were songs about God’s goodness. There were lyrics about how he’s “never let me down”. And I couldn’t sing along. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Because I’m angry. I feel like I have been let down. I was pregnant. It was like a promise – now you’ll finally get to be a mother. But, my babies are in heaven. I don’t have any of them here on earth with me. I never got to meet them. Meanwhile, there are other women out there with baby after baby and no experience of miscarriage or stillbirth. I don’t wish this on them. Never would I wish this experience on them! But I’m so jealous. It’s so cruel and unfair that some of us go through this pain of loss over and over again, never getting a baby to bring home, while others have healthy baby after healthy baby.
Pregnancy loss is not fair. And it’s okay to be angry about that.
Most days, I’m able to be positive. Most days, I rest in the hope that I will get to birth a baby and bring them home with me and watch them grow up. But some days, some days are hard. Some days, my anger and grief rise to the surface and spill over.
And that’s okay.
Anger is part of grief.
Anger is part of loss.
So Mama, go ahead. Cry, scream, punch a pillow. Do what you have to do. Allow yourself to feel that anger. Don’t be ashamed of it. Your baby died. You’re allowed to be angry about that.
Photo by insung yoon on Unsplash